i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
