I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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