so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
