Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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