The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
