she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
