this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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