when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
