She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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