I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
