the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
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i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?