I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit