So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.