Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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