please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.