I wish I could punch you in the face.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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