An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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