Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
