I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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