ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
