Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
