I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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