The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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