Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I believe in your delicious
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