im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
