Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Randomize
