She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
