I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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