This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
