So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
