Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
