Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
