remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
