I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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