im having a threesome with these popsicles
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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