I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
