she was so not down for the gang bang
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So apparently I’m into choking now
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