yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
