My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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