Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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