How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
We got so high we made milksteak
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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