I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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