I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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