Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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