In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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