you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want her autograph on my taint
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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