you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
