I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
