Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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