Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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