My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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