Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
