Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
