I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
