her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
youre lurking in front of me
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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