You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
