mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
