I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
